As the summer days shorten, and the cool breezes increase. Just as the trees will soon shed their leaves, I too am letting go. I am consistently surprised and in wonder of this process. I once had the expectation that when I let go of something, that was it, finito! However, what happens for me, letting go is a continual process, that works its way deeper. Spiraling deeper into the root of the matter. Some things are easy for me to release. I can clear out a closet, rewriting beliefs, letting go of habits. These I find do not challenge me, or push me as hard to look inward. Other circumstances, however are much deeper. I have patterns within our family dynamic that shapeshift and take on different masks. One that has been a constant is my trusting in the “what-is” of a moment, without expectation, or a need to control the situation, even the outcome. This has been a repetitive practice of letting go, one layer at a time. The easier ones first, then deeper, and deeper.
Since the new moon, solar eclipse I have been tearful, and tender. This weekend I hit a root, the root of expectations, how heavy and unsatisfying they really are to have in my life. They do not foster joy, service, or ease. They push, nudge, and agitate most situations, taking away any chance for flow, surprise, and realness. I have worked for years around expectations. I can clearly see how much they interfere with my relationships. When I got real honest with myself this weekend what I learned was that expectations are a front for my shadow belief of not being good enough.
Here’s how it plays out. If I have an expectation of things going a certain way, and it slowly begins to unravel, not because of others but because of how I am perceiving the situation, and it not *meeting* my expectation, I can begin to blame them. It’s their fault this isn’t fun. It’s their fault we are late. It’s their fault I am unsatisfied, BULLSHIT! I created the mask in order to hide my insecurity of not being good enough. I blame the expectation and not my shadowy beliefs.
If you’re still with me which I hope you are, here is the best part. Now that I have gotten into the messy root system of these tangled and gnarly shadow beliefs. I can choose something different for myself. I can integrate my shadow, and change the belief. This process, while uncomfortable, is what being whole is about. It is acceptance of all parts of one’s being. The shadow and the light.
If I continue to hide my shadow in the expectation. I will continue to have unsatisfying experiences because I believe it’s the best I deserve.
It’s not the best I deserve. It’s what I’ve put up with because of this shadow. By bringing it into the light, my light, I am showing the shadow and myself that we are worthy of receiving everything I desire in a satisfying life! I am working on more surrender, less expectation. To trust in the uncontrollable, unexpected mystery of life. The other side of letting go is receiving. Receiving isn’t always about what is easy, light or feels good. Receiving is about the art of receptivity to all circumstances, just as they are. Some are more bitter and insipid than others, and if I can be with it, not reject it, judge it, or deny it. I am opening myself to an entirely new frequency in life.