Today I was listening to Matt Kahn's talk called The Path of Mastery. He was talking about how unnecessary it is to "know everything". He said we have this tendency to compete with the universe. We don't trust that the universe is going to do it for us, so we take over and try to make everything happen ourselves, to know everything ourselves. As he was talking, I had a little epiphany about a meeting I had today. I was in a room with one of my lead team members, Shane, and five accountants who we were interviewing to determine if they were a good fit for our accounting needs. Shane had taken the lead in the meeting. He had set it up for us, and he led off by explaining a little bit about our company's situation and why we might be looking for more or different accounting support. Then we spent some time talking about some of the challenges we face and potential strategies for dealing with them, as well as a little bit about their team and how they operate. I kept noticing that I was having trouble making eye contact with many of the people in the room. I didn't want to look them in the eye. I felt confused and a little frustrated by this observation. I found myself yearning for the Sarah who can show up in these kind of meetings in a very heart-centered way, and talk about the most radical and authentic principles that are at play in our decision making. It felt like, for some reason, I had reverted back to a more stuffy, withdrawn modality, content to let others lead the conversation even in ways that felt ineffective to me. This is how I "used" to show up in meetings sometimes, maybe ten or even five years ago, before I learned about NVC (Non Violent Communication)
As the meeting progressed, I began forcing myself to look at each person at the table. I took notice of what they were wearing, what their eyes looked like, and what their body language seemed to be saying. Instead of taking the time to inquire as to what my resistance was, I overruled it and insisted on a different kind of behavior from myself.
Towards the end of the meeting, the owner of the accounting firm told me that I was the queen, and it was up to me to decide how I wanted to proceed. He literally called me the queen; it was an interesting choice of words because yes, at this point, I am ready to be the queen, I am ready to have an empire of enterprises doing things that create the world that I want to live in.
Just now, as I was listening to Matt's message, I realized why I was embarrassed to look those people in the eye. I knew I needed to play the role of the queen, to own my power in this process, and to state what was important to me. Those people were there to serve me, and it was my opportunity to fully see them in that role. My questions about my self worth, my deserving to have a team support me in this way, that's what was getting in my way. We do resist being the "Master" (or the "Queen"), for this exact reason. Having that kind of power is a little bit scary.
I am realizing now that in order to get where I want to go, I need to get a lot more comfortable with that role, with really owning that role, and resting in the reassurance that I don't need to KNOW anything in particular to play that role, I just simply need to remember to check in with source, and to let source guide the way, shape the energy and the situation.
It really is that simple, and that hard to do.